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After the Tower

by Kevin G. Chan

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1.
2.
Elpis 01:04
3.
Coming out to your straight best friend It doesn't go exactly the way you wanted My heart is pounding and I'm so embarrassed 'Cause there's more to say but it just won't fit I fail to explain exactly how I feel He listens and tells me that it's not my fault I give him his jacket back as I thaw But he doesn't know that I'm stuck Coming out to your new best friend Tell him you were in love with a man named Zachary Who left before you even had a chance To tell him why it's his fault, see You ask what I did to make him run away I sigh and hide my face beneath the sheets I lay there in silence, feeling you breathe Did you know that I'm still stuck? December 17th, 2014 Have you noticed that I am all insane I haven't even talked about the rape Or anything at all that's meaningful The stoop is covered in our cigarette butts Your eyes go along with that whimpering sound We sit there and argue til the sun comes out You fall asleep but I'm still stuck Our smoke is sailing far beyond the ceiling You say there's nothing wrong with overreacting You make no promises that you'll be returning And that blows but at least you're honest
4.
He's by the bathroom window smoking I'm leaning on the sink and waiting The sheets are white, the time is right And he's so so sweet but then he moves his hand On my chest Oh, I freeze And let him run it down my leg And I know He's so sweet But now I'm falling back to the home Of a lonely man Who knew I was too young to say, "No! No!" He asks me where the stiffy went And I tell him we could kiss again His muscles are lean his beard scratches me But could you mind the outlines in my brain They would come to light at such a tragic show And, oh! What a doll for it polish your own wicked jewels How it looks like the kids at your school And, oh! What a doll for it to clear your number when you looked away While there would be much left to say His hand's on my chest Oh I freeze And let him run it down my leg And I know He's so sweet But now I'm falling back to the home Of a lonely man Who knew I was too young to say no So once I get up We can see If your touch will set me free And I know You're so sweet But this is more than memory What I need Is outside the reach of my incapable hands
5.
The Waif 01:40
I have lived here Under the light of the gilded Ramble falls I have slept here In the antiquated Palladion halls Dancers reeling Timbres fleeting Singers weeping I've stopped bleeding And in your hesitating arms I gently died In the last tear I saw a vision of what I had thought would be my redemption
6.
The Star 00:46
7.
Aquarius 04:03
Ganymede, your feathers fall forth from the sky Where I stand naked underneath your cup Steam escaping from my crowded chest where it stumbles where it hides Where I found a little glowing sun My body is narrow and light In the veil of a snowy gaze Lovely Aquarian eyes My body is brittle and fine In your soft adjacent shape So watch how I rise I rise Does the fire slake my wounded thirst for belonging among men Rounding in the dark Ganymede you were just a child when you were taken Did you think that you'd fly so far? My body is open and wide Beyond the echoes of the lake Lovely Aquarian eyes My body curls up warm and tight Around your soft adjacent shape So watch how I rise I rise
8.
You were a lovely mess Like one giant wrinkle That went in all directions And I was the very best At breaking every single rule Of being a good friend I put up a lonely wall That hid all the pieces Of canyons carving deep into my back and on my arms Rejected all your drunken calls About the girl you fucked last night And whether you were right about the way you missed me Past that rock I found you almost dead Oh what a lovely mess Chest pressed tight against my back you slept And I could hear the voices telling me of what I am Your lips are so much warmer than I ever dared to imagine I spent fifteen years denying that all I ever wanted Was you on the couch telling me "I could get used to this." I could get used to this. You were a lovely mess In smiley-faced boxers Look at how we've grown And I can finally rest We couldn't be any closer In you I found home.
9.
I dreamt of colorful flowers Just as they bloom in May I dreamt of green meadows And the songs of birds I dreamt of love requited Of a beautiful man Of hearts and kisses Of joy and bliss

about

From 2015-2017 I recorded some songs in my tiny Queens studio apartment. This was during a very tumultuous time in my life, and topics centered on grappling with my identity as a gay man, straight guys of yore, and the memory of my sexual assault when I was 18. I was also struggling to find my own sound, which is why I gave up on finishing these back then. I’m releasing them as is anyway now, as a tribute to early 20s me, who seems so far away from late 20s me.

credits

released October 17, 2020

Additional voices featuring Evan Kent and Linda Gorman

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all rights reserved

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about

Kevin G. Chan New York

Soft queen from Queens.

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