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Ground Zero

by Kevin G. Chan

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1.
Virgo Purgatorio 05:33
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There you go falling back in the deep dark hole And no one knows if you'll answer the phone Nothing's unfamiliar There I go throwing light in the deep dark hole But I don't know if you're already bones Nothing's too dissimilar Oh what a lovely mess you've made of this A humble acquiescence to the abyss They told me to live and let live so I did I put you out of my head But you've been dead for ten years now They told me to live and let live so I did But now you are dead And you're back in my head now Oh what a lovely mess you've made of this A sudden descent into the abyss There they go falling back in the deep dark hole And no one knows if they'll answer the phone Nothing's unfamiliar There I go throwing light in the deep dark hole But I don't know if they're already bones Nothing's too dissimilar Oh what a lovely mess I've made of this A pointless flail against the abyss You loved me, at least I hope that you loved me And that you thought of me the way that I thought of you I want you to be okay today I want you to be okay ten years ago
2.
Narcissus 03:14
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Put down the knife no ones wants to see you like that I wasn't there but I'm scared of where you're going I'm not here to break your smile I just want to know the truth Behind the messages you deleted Now you're yelling and cursing Then gasping and sobbing Then smiling again But they're all hiding Before leaving Put down the pills no one wants to see you dying You weren't there but I've had the same desire But you already knew There's only so much anyone can do It's a pure isolation Now I'm pining and chasing Then fixing and failing Then hiding again But they're all smiling Before leaving In a pair of hesitating arms I would gently expire In the last tear I had a vision Of what I had thought would be my redemption Instead I look at my hands Bloody from banging against a closed door And you're smiling
3.
Mother Taurus 04:38
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Heavenly bull I felt your pull Storming up a spiral staircase With debts unerased Knock on the door For a child with no heart Under the floor Is an alien star Tell him that he's your only remaining light But he'll never love anyone else in his life Start the car Leave him a human after all Stumbling through My hands trace the foggy walls Round corners askew Chilly and tall My breath escapes A moment too late I am caught by a beast Falling inside of me Whispering I love you and I'll tear you to pieces
4.
Love-in-Idleness (feat. Tori Babcock) 03:37
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Frosty waves Billowing across the sea Empty bottles buried in the sand Cutting at your feet There's no reason to hide your reaction To be as a cold them Love without emergency Can you dream it? Frosty waves Billowing across the sea (There's no fault in shame) Empty bottles buried in the sand Cutting at your feet (Such incapable hands) There's no reason to hide your reaction To be as cold as them (What is life without desperation?) Love without emergency Can you dream it? (Give me time) An icy slope (I tread along) To oblivion (Steady and slow) You must know (I know) All that once was will never be again And even glaciers crumble to the wind (But I just want you alive) Is there comfort to infinity? (Steeped in your mythology) We are bigger than these stories (There's a sickness to our secrecy)
5.
Nightmare for Capricorn 04:34
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Past a party of pretend you stumble through You take my hand I take you to our room And we're falling down the deep dark hole again More blood pours from your aging face Than your compulsions can replace Oh Demeter How do you live with this grief? I will drown in time But it's your life that flashes before my eyes You won't stop bleeding But you're still smiling Then foaming at the mouth you say I'll never win No grand confession No qualification Just affection that you'll forget about in the end You don't know that I'm in love With everything you could have been I'll never be done I'll do this over again and again Again and again Again and again Again and again Dear Ariadne, was it worth it in the end? A brother's blood For fleeting love You killed the monster that you couldn't comprehend I try to keep my side of the street clean I don't know if you know what that means But I hear you in these rooms We're just a story, we're nothing new And the ending that I wrote where you got better Will never see the light of day I'm not your author I'm just a child with much to say But your ghost haunts everyone I try to save From the backseat of the car where you were found Such waves They'll drive me to the ground You don't know that I'm in love With everything you could have been I'll never be done I'll do this over again and again Again and again Again and again Again and again
6.
Lilacs 04:22
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Rising with a gasp Helplessness unmasked The stillness settles in my bones Bearing fruit to silence Memories of innocence And distance from a troubled home A father and a mother At the end of a loop in time Waiting for a final sign Untying all the knots inside my skin Start the car, it's not so hard To be a human after all Drawn to necessary reactions And shouting from the hanging rafters That we must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others Oh what a lovely, devastating, fleeting groan Escaping from my crowded chest And rounding in the dark for recompense I won't think any less of you If you held on to that glow A sickness leaving your tired eyes As we leave our sinking boat So we must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others We must turn to others Every night as I fall asleep My heartbeat spells a name And I hold on to everything you said to me About how everything needs to change And every fire we lit in the place we once called home Finally burns away to ash to be carried by the wind Across the deep and infinite sea Where the blooms you grew will find the sun again

about

The lyrics in these songs reflect the thoughts and feelings I had during the darkest, loneliest periods of my life, yet no matter how heavy the subject matter is there is still joy to be found in connecting with others through music. Ground Zero is about inherited trauma, bereavement, survivor's guilt, and the inability to fix others. Among the earth signs are Persephone, forced to descend to the underworld every winter, the Minotaur, despised as a monster and cast away into the labyrinth, and Pricus, the false sea-goat trapped in a time loop of his own doing. Ultimately, it's about finding the courage to break out of the destructive cycles we seem destined to relive over and over again, and the flowers that represent renewal and the coming of spring.

credits

released February 16, 2024

Featured artist: Tori Babcock
Additional vocals provided by: Ellen Pierson, Walt Panfil, Adam Hardy, Tori Babcock, Amanda Chin, Harsha Dandibhotla, Abby Schaeffer

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Kevin G. Chan New York

Soft queen from Queens.

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